Cinderella

Happy New Year!!!

2010-12-31T13:20:00.002+05:30

“The first step towards getting somewhere is

to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

I'm not going to ramble too much.

i just wish 2011 will be a year filled with

learnings from mistakes in 2010

more kindness than anger

more satisfaction than regrets

more "i did it"s than "what if"s

more laughter than tears

more hellos than good byes

and love and wows all the way!!!

i'm just going to wind up the images below, which i came across on the net, and i agree with a lot. :) have an amazing new year then! if you still wish pay a visit you can find me at http://dishi-tales.blogspot.com

ALL THE BEST WITH EVERYTHING.

take care

much love

Dishi

Every end is a new beginning...

2010-12-30T19:26:00.003+05:30

So then it's the end of another year.

I have gone on and on about how eventful and crazy this year had been for me, so i'm not going to get into details on that.

I've been craving for change. Next year will start at a new home for me. My first step to embrace change. I'm not a huge fan of change but i have decided to go for it and not look back this time. (well not that i'm going for anything particular anyway). :)

this year i feel a change in me. for the better or worse i have come out a tiny lil bit of the shell that i've been in. i think maybe a tiny bit about the future. as i remain to be sensitive about certain things, i have also realized that i'm a tiny bit brave enough to take actions into my hands, whenever possible. all in all i feel i have grown as a person, true, i have so much more growing up to do. but hey it's a start.

so among these changes i felt the need to change my blog. Maybe mainly how it looks. ;) i like this whole dark(maybe depressing :) ) look and feel it has, but then i don't wanna change the template in this. (like i said not a huge fan of change like that :) ). so instead i thought i'll start a new blog. with all the colors to match what i want to feel, and there i will even try NOT to be a nagging drama queen. :) so if you want to continue to be a part of my ramblings and tales you can find me here Dishilicious (yes i'm being very creative) ;)

so then i'm typing these last few lines sitting on my bed in my room, which i will be leaving behind soon. it makes me feel mara sad, to think that it's all soon just going to be a part of the memories. i guess that's how every year ends, what every change brings, i'm not leaving, i'm just stepping on to a new start. this place is very dear to me. i may have had some of the best and worst times here. even the worse times brings a smile to my face. i will be stepping on to the year with jar full of hopes, dreams and wishes, with a basket full of cherished memories. hoping to be a little more positive than usual. and with arms wide open and faith renewed, i think i'm ready to say hi to all the good things in life:)

i'm hoping to be back tomorrow for one last post. well if i don't here's wishing you a wonderful 2011!!!

if you want to see me next year, you know where to find me!!!

xoxo

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

so then...

2010-12-30T11:16:00.000+05:30

Even if, someday, I am not around…
I wish and pray to God that you be protected and that you be comforted at all times
That someone is always there to bring you cupcakes
That someone is always there to be your good luck charm
That someone is always there to show you never-ending kindness
That someone is always there to just hug you and spoon you till you fall sound asleep
That someone is always there to make you smile when you are sad
That someone is always there to make themselves look like a fool so that you may laugh
That someone is always there to understand you
That someone is always there to listen to your stories
That someone is always there to love you even through anything

i will miss you... i will miss us...

“It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more.”

as another year passess by..

2010-12-30T00:35:00.000+05:30

and 2010 just gets crazier. the past couple of weeks have been just way too much for me to handle. mixed with good and bad ermmm things. i have been pushed to such an extent that i actually did a few things that i never ever even wanted to do. i'm not really sure if i should feel good or bad about those, but the thing is this way, i'll be going somewhere. i guess that's a good thing.

2010 wasn't easy for me. it wasn't too bad either. it made me realize some of the strengths that i had even forgotten that i had. it made me look at things differently, and i believe it made me grow, in more ways than one. oh well, and i did make my share of mistakes as well. all in all it was an eventful year. :)

i have a good feeling about 2011. i feel that it's going to get better for me. and i think i'm totally ready for it. :) so "bring it on" is what i say. i'll be starting new year at a new home. and i have the strangest feeling that lots of good changes will be in store for me, honestly i don't know why, but i just feel it. i'm nervous and excited at the same time.

well there are a few changes that i'm acctually thinking of making for the new year. you'll see... :)

Merry Chirstmas!!

2010-12-24T22:26:00.003+05:30

There are no strangers on Christmas Eve. ~Mildred Cram and Adele Comandini

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

have you ever felt...

2010-12-21T17:27:00.000+05:30

so....

broken

betrayed

humiliated

embarrassed

emotionally tortured,

bit by bit

until, one day, you just got down on your knees

and prayed to the heavens

that you don't want to love anymore

to take away your ability to just love!! ??

2010-12-18T12:07:00.002+05:30

ONLY IF...

restless...

2010-12-15T10:36:00.002+05:30

is what i'm feeling now. i lost track of how long i kept tapping the the keyboard with my fingers before i actually started typing.

i just want to get out of office, put my hair down, eat, drink, dance, shop and go crazy and it's not even 10:30 in the morning. which in a way i guess is a good thing. only problem is i can't really leave work now.

maybe i'll take leave on Friday to pamper myself. got loads of stuff to finish before that then. i want to feel that Christmas feeling, the breeze the smell that i'm so longing to feel.

last three weeks of the year. lots of changes in store. a lil scary, a lot exciting, i have a feeling tho, that 2011 will only get better.

the only thing right now is, i just can't stay in one place. i want to do something. at least jump up and down down in one place. :)

in my dreams...

2010-12-13T12:49:00.002+05:30

i sometimes blog. :)

i know it's weird in a funny way. The funniest things is, i know for fact that whatever i blog in my dreams are so much better and interesting than what i actually put down here. And then i tell myself i should somehow remember this and jot it down. but when i wake up, for the life of me i can't remember what was on my mind then.

maybe i should keep a pen with a small flash light next to my bed. and just try writing some of those down. :)

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow,

and when I woke up the pillow was gone. - Tommy Cooper

so the countdown begins...

2010-12-09T16:19:00.004+05:30

... to the begging of another year.

even though it maybe a little too early to look back at the passing year, i thought i might as well start now. :)

2010 has been a bit of a struggle for me. not that i can blame anyone or anything else for this. anyway i think i'm just going to be glad to say GOOD BYE to the year.

well of course it had its absolutely fabulous moments too, which will be cherished.

with everyone talking about the Christmas Spirit and Christmas Breeze being in the air, I'm yet to feel all these. i think for a tiny bit i felt it when i got the smell of Christmas Tress at the Galle Face Hotel, but that too soon passed away. Quite honestly, i find this situation of me not feeling so Christmasy yet, really sad.

and right now I'm still struggling... struggling for what... i still fail to figure out.. struggling to break free, to escape, to let go, to move on, to get out, to be content, to feel stronger... i don't know... it has just turned into an endless and meaningless struggle now.

Right now, i think more than anything maybe i just need to feel stronger. just start over. find a new perspective, or any at all. i am independent, maybe not enough, maybe not when it comes to the things that actually matters.

there's a million things running in my head. i don't know what makes sense and what does not anymore. i think i'm just longing to feel loved, special and wanted. not that i don't get it, maybe not the way i want.

when i step into 2011, i just want to leave behind everything that needs to be left behind, everything that should be left behind. i only want to take the good things with me, only the good things. i just hope and pray that i'll have the strength to do this.... or... should I... :)

well, i just want to things to better, and i want to be a better person, i guess that's just not too much to ask for...!!!

A Plea!!!

2010-11-29T13:16:00.000+05:30

Tortured and Battered,

three days in hell

burning and bruising,

there's no escape

Praying to all God's above

pleading for help

please get me out of this misery

this suffering that never ends

this one's dedicated to you...

2010-11-29T13:09:00.000+05:30

Dear YOU,

i know we have our differences, a lot actually. things that i can't just put a finger on and point to and say it's this or that, but i want you to know that in your arms is the happiest place for me in the whole wide world.

you have changed me in many ways, for the better i must say, well it's true, you sometimes bring out the worse in me too, i guess that's your fault for having such an affect on me. ;)

i wrote this lil thing long time ago, never shared it 'cos thought it sounds a lil lame and gay. but what the hell right....???

my heart made a wish

my wish turned to a dream

my dream came true

the day i met you...

adding light to the darkness

adding strength to my days

you made me laugh

you made me smile

you taught me to hold on

you taught me to be brave

you taught me to believe...

to believe in love again

oh well, so that's what, there's a 2nd part to it, but i'm gonna leave that bit out. :)

i can never stay angry with you when i just see you smile. i sometimes hate the way you get away from things. well, you have hurt me, you have, but i guess it's because of a lot of little things about you that i just adore, that i'm still in love with you!!!

thanks you for the birthday gift. right now... i'm probably the happiest girl on earth;... and i know things will only get better. :)

and this one's just to say thank you, for being in my life!!

i love you too... always... <3

18th Nov 2010

28!!!

2010-11-18T14:52:00.000+05:30

that's how old i am now. a year older, a year wiser, let's hope so. :)

DONE!!!!

2010-11-15T13:12:00.003+05:30

this is what i want to say now. i just want to scream out loud saying that

"I'M DONE" "DONE WITH EVERYTHING"!!!

the drama, the unfairness, the pain, the hurt, the lies, the false accusations, the heartbreak, the trying, the crying, the holding on, i just want to be done, i just want to be done with all this!

2010-11-03T13:28:00.002+05:30

What can I do
Where can I hide -
from all of these feelings I keep inside
and you'll never see
just what it's like to feel..
It's dark as can be

Sometimes...

2010-10-31T11:04:00.002+05:30

Sometimes....

I just want you to hold me, and tell me everything's going to be alright

I just want you to hold me, and tell me that no matter what happens, we're going to get through this together

I just want you to hold me, and tell me that there's no one in the world that you love and want more
if you just did this sometimes... you'd be making me happy all the time

Mannar - 29th Oct

am i not stronger...???

2010-10-31T10:51:00.000+05:30

Crying at odd hours had become a routine part of my life these days. I must have redialed the same number for hundreds of unanswered calls in the recent past. and my heart hurts more than my fingers. I've come to a point that i have really begun to hate myself. I must have said the same prayer, i must have screamed to the heavens asking a way out of this misery, how many times, I've lost count. i must have cursed myself a million times for putting myself through this. But here i am, past 230 in the morning, in Mannar doing the same thing.

How many lies i may have believed, how many lies i chose to believe, i don't know. how many times i may have been deceived, how many times my trust may have been broken, i don't know. I'm surprised that, i'm still trusting, definitely there's something really wrong with me. the only thing that remains more constant is that, it never stops hurting.

I write so many posts saying "how i need to get out of this mess", "how i want to get out of this mess", but the truth remains that i've become such a weak woman. Such a weak human being, such a disgrace. I'm really disappointed in myself for knowing what to do, but not having the strength to do it. So here i am pleading to the heavens yet again, to hear my prayer. To help me in helping myself find happiness and to be stronger than this!!!

in Mannar - 27th Oct 2010

blues... blues... go away...

2010-10-19T14:20:00.002+05:30

i logged into to write a post cos i've been feeling so restless the last couple of days, it got really worse last night and have left making me feel like a fool right now. i just glanced through my previous post and realized what i feel right now is exactly what i had been feeling then.

i am right now at a point that i'm struggling to let go of something... that i really don't want to let go of. but i keep telling myself that i'm ready to do this now, but i don't have enough strength to put my thoughts into action.

i think more than anything, my life had become so monotonous, and i just can't figure out where to pull the trigger to make a change. i think a change in scenery might help, but unfortunately, that's not something i can afford right now.

so i have decided to stop blaming others for my misery. only i can do something about this. but it's not as easy as i want it to be. :D

my behavior last night is not something i'm proud of. it's bad enough i balled off for hours. that's not me. and that's not what i want to be. but instead of blaming someone, something or myself for whatever reason or whatever feeling that took over me, i sort of realized that there's a reason why i felt what i felt. it's probably all those things i have been holding up for sometime, that made me want to explode. i wasn't being dramatic. i wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad. i wasn't angry. i was genuinely miserable, sad, hurt. i guess miserable is the correct word. and i hated feeling that miserable and worse, worthless. but feeling like this from time to time, is not going to get me anywhere. i should do something about this. right now. i know that.

it's just that i don't know where to start. but i should start somewhere, I hope and pray that God will give me strength and help me do the right thing. not make a huge mistake. i sort of have an idea about what i want to do, even though i'm not sure if that's the right thing. i guess only time will tell...

craving for change... a positive change...

2010-09-23T11:43:00.001+05:30

"Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I was six and my biggest problem was what kind of dress to put on my Barbies or whether or not I had enough Lego's to build a fort."

This year has just been so horrible for me, and it keeps getting worse. I've been craving for change, in a good way. I just hate these complications, I'm a simple person, I just want to lead a pretty simple life, so how come things get so complicated all the time.

I just wish people will learn to mind their own business and just leave me alone.

There's so much going on in my head I don't even know what they are. There are so many things i know i should do, and want to do, but just can't bring myself to put in to action. I feel like i've lost my way, lost myself... but just don't know where to start looking in order to find it. and i feel so damn restless all the time.

No, i don't want too much. I just need my life back. Myself back. Just what i had a year ago. Nothing much, nothing major.

Right now the only thing i seem to be doing is ramble like this, which is obviously not getting me anywhere. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but i just can't help it sometimes. What in the world has happened to me?

I can't even seem to put up a decent enough post. sigh!

I keep hoping and praying. very convenient, but yet that don't seem to be getting me anywhere either.

I just want to feel at ease, i just want peace of my mind, i just want things to be simple and uncomplicated... i just want to be happy... is that really too much to hope for??!!

well, at least i still haven't stopped lighting the candles!!!

Enough!!!

2010-08-19T13:47:00.003+05:30

i accidentally stumbled across this song on youtube. yes i am enough!! :)

Letter to God!!!

2010-08-17T11:08:00.001+05:30

Dear Mr. God,
I’m writing to You today
Because it seems like lately
I’ve forgotten how to pray
I know I don’t need this pen
But everybody likes to get
A letter now and then
I’m sorry for not writing more

i absolutely love this!!!

A Year Ago...

2010-08-05T17:12:00.001+05:30

A year ago, this wasn't the side of the table i was sitting in

Full of life, full of promises, full of smiles, full of happiness, full of love...

Today, pain is all that's left... pain, sadness, and shattered pieces of a broken heart

Fighting to break free, fighting to let go, fighting to erase, much cherished memories

call me a drama queen. maybe i am. maybe i'm making this a bigger deal than it should be. maybe i think too much, maybe i'm too sentimental. so many maybe's.

this is not how i wanted this to day to be. i wanted it to be different. i wanted it to be special. it is, to me. it hurts. it makes me feel blue and sad, these thoughts. exact opposite of what i had in mind for this day. but there's nothing much to do now. at least from my side. i believe, i tried everything i can. i believe i gave this my all, i believe i gave you my all.

what is left now... tears so warm, an empty place beside me, and a heart that's broken

what is left now... shattered dreams, lost hopes, broken promises

what is left now... a confused mind, a lost heart, a living nightmare

what is left now... are just cherished memories and a wounded heart that's filled with love, just for you!!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ANGEL!!!

One that was never meant to be!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!

nightmares...

2010-08-03T17:44:00.001+05:30

her heart's raising fast, she can feel that pain all over her body, she wakes up shivering...

she looks around. a sigh of relief. she reaches out for her phone. he's the only thing in her mind. it was such a horrible dream. all she wants is to hear his voice. talk to him. she checks the time. 6:30 am. "he must be still asleep, i shouldn't wake him up."she thinks to herself. instead she sends him a text. he'll respond the moment he wakes up.

2 hours later. no reply. he must be busy. he will respond soon she decides to keep lying to herself. 4 hours later, as she gulps down her lunch, she wondered if this pain is all worth it. "i wish i could just let go" she thinks staring at the beautiful ocean that was surrounding her. unfortunately for her, she doesn't notice its beauty.

4 hours later. her phone beeps. "not even a message from you??" - he says. she could feel her heart raise again. why is he playing these games with me. she thinks. she's not angry. she's just hurt. hurt and sad. she tells him, how she feels. but he's cold towards her. as always. she wishes he would stop doing this to her. she loves him. loves him with all she has. but "i can't really blame him now can i," she thinks again to herself. "i need to let go", "if i'm to be happy, i need to let go, he will never stop taking me for granted, he will never ever appreciate me. if i can't live with this, i need to let go of him. i have to let go of him.". 1 and a half hours later, she still keeps looking at her phone. she said she was sorry. but he has still not responded. "only if he wasn't so cold hearted" - she wishes.

how many times did he promise to make it up to her. she believed ever word. but then why is this happening all over and over again. "it's a good thing we're not together then", his words just pierce her sometimes. "what does he want from me". she wonders.

but she knows the answer. the only one that seems to be left now. she needs to let go. she knew that now. she wanted to. only thing is... she didn't know how to....???....!!!.....

2010-07-22T16:39:00.000+05:30

I MISS YOU!!! I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!I MISS YOU!!!

THERE I SAID IT!!! SIGH!

probably....

2010-07-20T12:21:00.001+05:30

I NEED A GOOD SLAP ACROSS MY FACE!!!

yes, that's exactly what i need. i hate this nagging, whining, cry baby i've turned into. i'm just constantly sad, at least most of the time. i have so much in life to be grateful for, yet here i am, feeling so down about the one thing i can't have. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!!???!!!

every time something bad happens to me, there's a whole heap of people in line, who's willing to dedicate their time, just to cheer me up. yet here i am. missing and wanting and crying over the one person that just walked out on me. just like that. who probably lied to me and gave millions of excuses not to spend time with me, who probably even cheated on me. NO A SLAP WOULDN'T DO. SOMEONE SHOULD JUST BEAT ME UP!

true. a part of me doesn't want to let go. a part of me is craving for another chance. a part of me is craving for a chance to start over. a part of me has regrets, and blames myself for this bitter ending. a part of me wants to make things right, at least from my end. at the same time, a part of me just wants to be happy. just wants to stop holding on. knows that i don't need this. but even that part of me still keeps wishing, secretly, what the other part wants. this is why it's so hard. i'm refusing to believe that there's nothing to salvage. i'm refusing to accept that it's over and that it's not me giving up, but things were probably never meant to be. i'm refusing to believe when everyone says that we have conflicting personalities and that we were never compatible. i'm refusing to believe, that he probably (being the key word) left me for someone else.

so yes, i have so many questions that i need answers to. but i know that i'm not ready for those answers just yet. cos if these answers are not what i want to hear, i know, that will break to more pieces that i have already being broken down to. maybe one day, but not right now. i don't want those answers right now. SO THEN, why am i doing this to myself. why can't i just let go. why can't i find it so hard to let go of this one man, who promised never to hurt me, but went ahead and hurt me more than anyone else ever had. why can't i just hate him. why do i still love him this much??? yes he made me happy, so happy, i remember being so scared sometimes, cos i knew if that if he hurt me i wouldn't be able to take it. but today, i'm in a worse place than i even imagined. it's not fun. cos he made me believe again, he told me never to walk out on him, he taught me that no matter what happens, we should just try to work things out, cos if we want each other in our lives, that's what we should do. i guess he doesn't want me anymore, clearly, but here i am, still clinging on to what he made me believe in. what do you do when someone who made you believe in things you never did, breaks you like this? what do you do? where do you start picking up the pieces? can you blame me if i say that i feel as if something inside of me had died...???!!!

it's been three weeks. (only?... some would say). but how horrible the past 3 weeks were for me, only i know. i hate being like this. i'm starting to feel better now, after that call 2 days ago. and i only want things to get better. i don't want to go back to that pain and horrible mood that's just waiting to pop out. but it still hurts. it still hurts very much. it hurts that he walked out on me. it still hurts to think that he doesn't miss me or think o of me. it hurts that he wasn't willing to try. it hurts that he didn't put 50% of the effort he put to push me away, to make things work. it hurts that he had the power to to bring out the best and the worse in me. yes it hurts.

but NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. NOT FOR ANOTHER DAY, NOT FOR ANOTHER HOUR, NOT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE, NOT FOR ANOTHER SECOND. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I REALLY DON'T.

i'm just hoping for the best. but now i'm scared to hope, scared to dream, scared to believe. but at least there's a lil bit of faith in me left. i pray so hard. andthat faith helps me keep on going.

life has never been fair to me. never. i've been wondering for years. maybe it's true, maybe there was a reason for that. but i want to stop thinking this way. i now wonder when life will quit playing these games with me. like about many things, i don't have the answer, right now i just want to pull myself together. be grateful for the good things in my life. i'm blessed with so many wonderful things. i want to appreciate them, and just be happy. there are people going through so much of worse things in life. why am i letting this affect me so much, hurt me so much. i don't want to. i need to get through this. RIGHT NOW!!!!

"God is love, generosity and forgiveness; If we believe in this, we will never allow our weaknesses to paralyze us." - Paulo Coelho

2010-07-16T23:42:00.005+05:30

if you know how much i'm hurting right now, because of you, would you even care???

2010-07-16T23:42:00.003+05:30

if you know how much i'm hurting right now, because of you, would you even care???

A note for you...

2010-07-13T22:05:00.000+05:30

i'm not too big on the pouring my heart out in public thing. usually prefer to leave out the situations. but today, i've come to a point that might at least make me feel a lil better. i hope this will be the last time i do something like this. i want it to be.(and i hope that no one who knows me personally will ever read this :) )

I feel drained out. literally. it's like something inside me has died. i'm like a walking zombie these days. i force a smile, and it hurts more every time. People keep asking me if i'm ok, if i'm not well. i'm fine. i lie.

what will make me feel better? i don't know. time will heal. i know. but then, this pain i'm going through now, did i deserve this, did you have to do this to me? did you have to? i just can't keep stop asking, so many questions. why? why? why?

first i didn't know why you just walked away like that. a week later now i think i know the answer. the thought of you leaving me for someone else hurts me so much. i wish i could ask you why? i really do.

(and i've been trying to write this post for days)

there are so many questions running through my head. you're the only who has the answers. unfortunately for me, you refuse to give me the answers. the thought of you doing the things you claimed to had grown out of to do with me, hurts me even more. only if i could just sit and talk to you once more. does it matter? yes it does matter to me. but true, what difference does it going to make, when it comes to the two of us.

it hurts that you've moved on so fast. that you've gotten over me so fast.

it hurts more than you could imagine. it hurts as much as i loved you.

but now what more can i do. than to let go. even though deep down in my heart i just keep wishing we could start over. start anew.

i wanted to make you happy. i'm sorry, that i couldn't. i'm sorry for all the times i hurt you. i never meant to. i just hope you know that. i wish i could just sit next to you, look into your eyes and tell you how sorry i am. i wish i could just hold you once more, hold you tight. only if i knew that the last time i met you, you were planning to leave me just like that.

they say everything happens for a reason and everything happens for the best. i will probably realize one day why all this happened. why you happened to me. i fail to see the reasons now, but eventually i guess i will. but from where i am at this point, what good would it do. you've walked out of my life.

the memories are killing me. i sometimes wish i can just erase everything. the things i looked forward to, with you. only if it was that easy.

i know this post is as dramatic as it gets. but not that i can mail, text or call you and say all these things. you'll only hate me more.i just wish to know why you hate me so much. (not that you'll ever see this either.)

so anyway.... i'll stop now. i still can't bring myself to say good bye to you. maybe eventually i will. i just want you to know that... i love you. and i miss you so much!!!

lift me up!!

2010-07-08T14:38:00.003+05:30

i need something to lift my spirits up. genuinely lift my spirits up. not for an hour day or two. for real. please... i'm waiting... hoping... praying... begging... i need something to lift my spirits up, soon!

Chances!!!

2010-07-07T13:26:00.000+05:30

This last week had made me realize so many things. No not about life, about myself. There are so many things i wish i could make right. so many things i wish i didn't do that way. I want to take a chance again. for me, for us. i want to start over. more than anything i ever wanted. people may say this is not what i need. they maybe right. BUT this is what i want. I need to take a chance on us. Please!!! Please, just make it possible!!!

2010-07-04T17:42:00.001+05:30

Thinks there's a serious need for a new invention. Please let me know if there's an eraser that can wipe out feelings that you don't want to feel??!!!

'till things get better....

2010-07-01T16:48:00.005+05:30

When i go trough the last couple of posts in this blog, i get so angry with myself. I've become such a whining cry baby. that's exactly how all my posts are, just the way I am these days.

yes so today, on 1st July 2010, i am in a place that i didn't imagine myself being in, a few months back, in a place i didn't think i will be, a week ago. So what, i am still blessed with so many good things, why can't I just appreciate them and be happy. I tell myself this. But it's not that easy to stop hurting is it?

I sometimes wish people had the option of erasing their feeling. i know people who can do that. just wake up one morning and decide not to feel what they felt the day before. i wish i can be like that. at least towards such people. But sadly, I'm just the opposite.

Regret, anger, pain I'm wallowing in these emotions right now. I keep thinking of things I could have done to avoid getting to this place that I am today. i wish i was more patient and less angry, more understanding and less emotional, i wish i knew better ways to show how much i cared. yes i wish a lot of things. But now it's too late. And as far as I'm concerned i did the best i could, unfortunately, my best wasn't good enough. But i guess i can still learn to do these things, for my sake. I just don't know where to start.

I'm going through a series of mixed emotions. Sometimes I'm strong, and I'm confident that nothing or no one can get me down. but half an hour letter, I'm on my knees, grabbing the floor, asking God, to take this pain away.

I still wish things weren't this way. I don't know how things got this bad. And if i am given a chance to start over, i will grab that chance. But will I get that 2nd chance. will I? from where i stand today, it's very doubtful.

I have gone through enough in the past to know that things eventually get better, and time is the best healer. What I'm dreading is that journey till things get better. I know how it is like, i know how it drains you, and i know how you can get lost on the way. That is what I'm dreading.

"I wish you'd understand, I wish you'd understand that i really need you to hold me right now" - but you, the only one i want, is the only one that is not here to hold me today. Such is Life! Whatever the reason is, i guess it is for the best. i will keep believing this. But will it take this pain I'm feeling away...???!!!

Until things get better... what more can i do, but wait!!!"

"I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone." Life is strange. – Paulo Coelho"

Hold Me...!!!

2010-06-27T10:35:00.005+05:30

I need you to just hold me, and tell me that I'm important to you;

I need you to go out of your way to see me for 5 mts, because it makes my day;

I need you to just hold me, when I'm crying my heart out, instead of laughing at my feelings;

I need you to think of me, and makes me feel special, at least once in awhile;

I need you to just hold me, because you don't want to let me go;

I need you to do something so simple for me, not because it's a big deal, only because it makes me happy;

I need you to just hold me, just 'cos it makes me happy

I just need you to makes me feel important, share things with me, makes me a part of your life;

I just need you to hold me, and tell me that you'll never let me go, because you can't imagine a life without me;

I just need you to wipe my tears, erase my fears, not mock what i feel;

I need you to just hold me, just hold me, just because i love you, just because you love me....!!!

"I need you to hold me, just hold me"

Tell me, is it really too much to ask for????

fool = me!!!

2010-06-23T11:33:00.001+05:30

SCREEEEAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!

Yes, that's exactly what i want to do now.

Something happened this morning that made me feel like such a fool. Yes, from where I'm sitting right now , i will say that I'm the most foolish, weakest human being I've ever known. i mean, really!!!

this just keeps getting worse. when i look back, it is so painfully hilarious, all this shit I've been putting up with. but this one just takes the cake.

who am i fooling? wait... i know the answer! myself!!!

it just keeps getting worse, this pain has become physical and emotional. no. i need to really give up. I'm sick of the sorry excuses, silly drama, pointless complaints, stupid arguments, above all i hate the way that i feel right now, foolish, weak and worthless!!

so i guess this is it, you win, i lose!!!

???

2010-06-22T15:48:00.000+05:30

i was strong yesterday

but i'm not so strong today

something's pushing me out from one end

the same thing pulling me back from the other

i know what should be done

but i find it so difficult to do it

the reason is this one thing that's pulling me back

i'm ready to let go

but not so much

my heart will break,

whichever way

at least whatever pieces that are left

i'm scared

that i will not be able to bear the pain

then i tell myself, "you can, you've been through much worse"

or "have I", is it the same, or is it much worse this time

or is it that i've lost my strength

or that i don't want to face the truth

what is it? i don't have the answer

i was calm last night

but the weight in my chest was unberable

i couldn't breath, i couldn't sleep

it was just pain, full of pain,

the day before i screamed, i cried

from the same pain

today, it's not any better,

come night, it will get much worse,

but what can i possibly do

grit my teeth, bite my lips, close my eyes

and hope this pain will just leave me,

just leave me

there was a time i loved this pain

but not anymore,

that pain, that hurts so much

that i can't even cry

i don't like it anymore

but this is where i'm heading,

but i don't want to

what choice do i have now

what choice do i have

to hold on or to let go,

whatever i pick,

the pain will be the same,

exactly the same

so it is my choice to make,

which way do i rather pick to suffer???

Back to Reality...!!!

2010-06-14T17:03:00.005+05:30

A path too familiar

to a world she know

cutting her feet,

sharper than before

dreams being stabbed

bleeding they shatter

hopes being stolen

grieving they disappear

yet she has to keep going

there's no turning back

a path she's forgotten

now keeps getting clear

her heart gets heavier

as tears freeze

ruled by cold darkness

there's no warm breeze

"I don't want to return"

she screams out loud

but no one to hear her plea

her silent cry slowly drowns

how hard she tried,

never to return to the void

but she's being pushed back

by another world more cruel

a world too familiar

where she once survived

has now become too painful

or was it like this all the time??

she know the answers

although they ache

she will soon find comfort

in this dark world of pain!!!

Six months in to 2010!!!!

2010-06-09T17:01:00.002+05:30

Half the year had gone. It's already June. I wonder where all those hours and days flew. This year somehow , so far has not been what i hoped it would be. Not even close. I'm quite disappointed I must say. But i guess such is life.

Last year i was ready for all the disappointments. was hoping for the worse. but then things took a turn, the year turned out to be more perfect than i thought, maybe not for anyone looking from outside, for me it was. that's what matters right. so i got my hopes high. i thought those sad days were over for me. i just let loose. i thought i no longer had to be in control, of my life, thought it was time to just make up for all those past disappointments, so, i wasn't ready for any disappointments for awhile. and BANG!!! i'm coming crashing down now, at high speed, and i have no control.

and i don't even know why i should be surprised about this. these things happen to me like a pattern. year after year. i'm convinced that i'm cursed. :) for what, i don't know. maybe something i've done in a past life. what i would give to figure out what it is though, that keeps pushing me back to this same place over and over again.

I was getting comfortable in my dark corner, when i saw a light at the end of the so called tunnel. i wanted to stay back, but something dragged me out of it. i didn't regret, at the start i was probably the happiest to be out of that darkness. i saw lots of nice things outside, and i liked it. maybe things were still not just the way i wanted, not so perfect, but things were so much better than it was. i was just getting used to that light, and now i'm again being pushed into that dark tunnel. not that i want to go there, or don't want to. it is my comfort zone. but i'm afraid, if i go back to that dark place, i will get so comfortable there, not even flashy pink & red lights will be able to drag me out of it again!!!

i'm scared. but i know things always have a way of working things out. i've believed that things always get better. i know that time is the best healer. but right now i'm not sure if i'm ready to go through that path, till things get better, i'm not sure if i want to go through that healing process, worse, i'm not sure if i want to healed!!!

i guess i don't know what life has in store for me, i guess i just need to stop worrying about the next year, and the year after. i always took things as it comes, this sudden change is probably because i'm gonna hit 30, sooner than i would like to. But what to do. most things are beyond my control. so maybe i should just keep everything in God's hand, as usual, and wait and see what happens. After all, i still do believe in miracles!!!

Fool Again...

2010-05-31T09:31:00.006+05:30

"I think I've got the right tree. Just sick of barking."

- Katherine Mayfair, Desperate Housewives, Season 6.

For days now, I've been trying to jot something down here, something. But nothing comes out. I am now at one of those places in my life that I've been before, but every time, it hurts a whole lot more than the previous time.

I'm so lost. Not because I don't know what i should do, because I know exactly what i should do, but i refuse to do it. But that is not the most healthiest option for me i know that too. I close my eyes and tell myself, "this is exactly what i'm going to do", and then i open my eyes, i don't want to do it anymore.

I know i'm responsible for the good and bad in my life. But over and over again, I've come out to be a glut for things that are bad for me. I've told myself over and over again, that i will not give in to that one thing, that breaks me down, makes me feel like a fool, and leaves me feeling stupid and standard. Yet here i am again, feeling exactly that way.

And this time i'm more stupid than usual, it's like i'm trying to forget about my pride, myself, my self-dignity, everything else that's me, and just do what i think is the right thing. To not give up so easily. It hurts. Every inch of my heart, every inch of my body hurts, i still do have a few more tears left, but they are screaming to me, saying not to let them out. I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard in every way, to do so many things. But at the end of the day, will it be worth all this effort, the pain, the hurt, the insults, the attitude, and the fact that i don't deserve everything i just said. Is it worth all this?

Are you worth all this???

Pouring Rain, Thunder & Lightning and Memories of Bees!!!

2010-05-13T15:03:00.001+05:30

It poured last night!! Thundering, Lightning and Pouring Rain. if you are Sri Lankan and living in Colombo, you know what i mean. After two days of unbearable heat, i sort of had the feeling it will rain, but not the way it did last night.

It started just past 1 am. When i had just closed the book i was reading "The Secret Life of Bees", and started to slowly drift away to my dreamworld. I woke up, to the rain drops falling on the roof, (it wasn't really rain drops, it was like rain boxes, really huge ones at that), to the lightning that illuminated my room from time to time. I love heavy rains, i love thunder and lighting. But for some reason yesterday, this scared me. It really, really scared me.

So I couldn't go back to sleep. I switched the light on, and lay still on my bed. The rain gave me such a horrible feeling, like something bad was going to happen. i looked around, "will the roof come off", i thought, i knew, what could possibly happen, here i was in my massive king-sized bed, covered with sheets from head to toe, what could possibly happen? But still i was scared.

I thought of those who were out at that time. What if something horrible happened to someone i knew, or someone i don't know.

And then i stopped and wondered... "when did I turn out to be like this". Scared of Pouring Rain? REALLY WHEN???

Is it that something happens to us when we get older, that we turn out to be scared of things that we weren't afraid of as kids. is it because we have more of a grip on the harsh realities of life, of how tragic things happen to people, is it because we constantly hear of how bad things happen to good people, of how unpredictable life could be???

Then my mind drifted off to my childhood, and then "The Secret Life of Bees" i started making comparisons, of how my mom was a beekeeper and all (she sort of was, not in a big way tho, just in her spare time, maybe to make use of the garden. I never asked her why? Maybe i should now.), and how my life would be different if i never went to boarding school when i was 10, if we never shifted from my hometown when i was 13. (not that i want to change anything about my life) But you just don't believe the things that was going on in my head.

I wanted to be back in my Hometown, i wanted to be in the garden with my mom, i tried to remember those days. I wished i had a camera back then, to capture those moments. i haven't realized before, not everyone had beehives in their backyard. And then i just wanted someone, to be in that room with me, just talk to me, or even on the phone, just tell me not to worry, that everything will be ok.

Well, since i knew that wasn't going to happen. i opened the book again. I loved the quotes in the book, i wanted to live inside it, to be a part of it, it was the only thing that kept me warm, (not that I'm complaining) so i read for about an hour more, until the rain ceased, thunder died down, and i could finally close my eyes, and drift to my dream world!!!

"There is nothing perfect...only life."
- The Secret Life of Bees

C'est La Vie

2010-04-29T10:25:00.001+05:30

Have you ever noticed those profile pictures on Facebook , nicely tagged in notes, one below the other. Have you noticed that each of them have one thing in common; they are all filled with people full of smiles. The woman fighting for a divorce from her abusive husband, the friend who was betrayed, the lover who was rejected, the single mother struggling to make a better life for her children, the son who wants to be understood. Yes, they are all full of smiles. But if you could look deep in to their hearts beyond that smile, you’ll know that there’s one more thing that they have in common with each other, all their hearts are filled with unbearable pain, and fear that the pain will never go away.

FED UP!!!

2010-02-25T09:00:00.001+05:30

There's a limit to what we can all take right?

A limit we can hold on to, a limit we can try?

What if all your trying is never appreciated?

What if all your trying doesn't make a change?

What if all your trying is only draining you out,

sucking the life out you and frustrating you?
What if all your trying is just considered and
treated like some kind of a lame joke?
What if trying so hard is only making you tired,

without making any difference?

What would you do then??

Lost Generation!!

2010-02-05T10:29:00.002+05:30

One of those YouTube Video's i came across, which is definitely worth sharing. You really have to take few seconds off your busy schedules to go through this. It's worth it, trust me. :)

Have a good weekend! :)

Politics, Elections & Drama...

2010-01-26T02:49:00.002+05:30

Well, if you're a Sri Lankan, or someone who's been closely following the political situation in the country, how dramatic politics here is, won't be anything new. On the run-up to another presidential election the last few months have seen heated up political debates, rallies, violence and many more.

So tomorrow, yet again, we get the opportunity to cast our vote at a presidential election. For many, like me, it was a tough decision to make. The two main candidates are the current president, who gave political leadership to end a 30 year old civil war, and the then army commander, who gave military leadership to end a 30 year old civil war. So while many question the democracy in this country, given this choice, i guess we can be grateful that at least to a certain extent we live in a democratic country, which is why we still have two choices ya.

Well, like many i had my arguments, disagreements and debates about who we should and should not vote for, why we should and should not vote for them. So the decisive day is tomorrow. Many are looking forward to it. This will the 2nd time i'm voting at a presidential election, but i can undoubtedly say that, this election is gonna be one of the most remembered presidential elections in this country.

Legend has it that after being betrayed by King Vijaya, Kuveni cursed the Island. Well one may wonder if this curse still lingers on in this country, as it sates, the rulers of this country can never govern peacefully. This seems true, as from what we've seen for decades, it's either a war, or political instability. Well, hopefully that will change!!

So here's me making a wish, saying a lil prayer, and hoping that this land like no other, will see a better future.

Forever Friend!!

2010-01-21T15:56:00.001+05:30

When darkness took over

and world turned its back;

when prayers weren't answered

and hope flew and lost track;

when dreams were shattered

and promises weren't kept;

you were there right beside me,

you were my friend who never left;

you were there to show me

that darkness adds meaning to light;

you were there to show me

to show me the way;

you were there to show me

why i should keep praying;

you were there right beside me,

you were my friend who never left;

you helped me carry on

till prayers were answered in time;

when nightmares reigned
and broken promises took over faith;

you are why hope exists why fear cannot win;

i drowned in you

you held me through

to pull through

till i'm over you

you were there right beside me,

you were my friend who never left,

you were there right beside me,

Pain... my friend!!

RIP Lasantha - you will never be forgotten...

2010-01-08T22:21:00.002+05:30

Lasantha Wickrematunge

April 5, 1958 - January 8, 2009

Exactly a year ago, the media freedom in Sri Lanka was stabbed. Stabbed and Shot. Leaving many of us wondering, if there will ever be such freedom in this country. Leaving many of us wondering if this country can be categorized as a democratic one anymore.

The murder of renowned journalist Lasantha Wickrematunge undoubtedly brought many back to reality. He was killed during busy hours in a busy junction. Many condemned this, locally and internationally, but to this day, those responsible for this brutal murder are at large. Many, who were sleeping and was ignorant to what was going on, couldn't do so anymore.

Like many i was shocked, sad and disgusted by this incident, like many i also wrote a little note to express my disappointment.

A year had passed, today, Lasantha is being remembered across the country, silent vigils and memorials are held to remember him.

Many may have not shared or agreed with his views, but they still agreed, that Lasantha was a man who fought for what he believed in. I have the pleasure of knowing a few who he was boss of, and all of them have to say nothing but good about him. He was a good man. I was at his funeral a year ago, the large crowds, from all walks of life that were present were witness to this.

Lasantha fought for what he believed in, for freedom for democracy. Like said in his last editorial, he did try, to do something good for his motherland.

Lasantha, the void you've had left cannot be filled, and you will be remembered, today and always. May you Rest Peace!!

wishes for crazier memories, pleasant surprises & never ending happiness...!!!

2010-01-04T13:39:00.003+05:30

So we just said good bye to another year. It's already 4 days into the new one, so i thought it's time i took a look back the the year i just bid adieu to. And i will try to keep this short and sweet.

2009... was a year filled with unexpected surprises and lots changes for me. Coupled with laughter, tears, happy and sad times, shaping my days. Surviving through the bad times, that seemed to never end, cherishing all the good times that i wished will never end. New home, new job, new love and even a bit of new weight.

and as i mentioned in my new year post last year i think i did quite a good job of sticking to my resolution of not having a resolution, and i believe i made the year out to be exactly the way i said, even though maybe not the same way i hoped for. But hey, everything happens for the best right!?

So as i say good bye to 2009 and say hello to 2010... i guess i just need to say thank you to...

my lovely parents... to letting me make my own choices that had helped me shape up my life the way it is today;

my two sisters ... for the love and drama that adds meaning to my life;

my fav. cousins ...for being my family;

my crazy friends... for adding a whole new meaning to my life, without you my days and years wouldn't have been the same;

my love... for making me believe on things that i've long given up on;
and last but not least, YOU, my fellow bloggers, thank you for being a part of my blog world. it means much!!
& every one who i crossed paths with, intentionally or otherwise thank you, and thank you all for the 2009 memories!!

So as I step into 2010, with more hope, love and crazy memories than before, here's a small new year wish for you, which i stole from a forward mail, don't think i can say this any better.... :)

My Wish for You in 2010

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lip.
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had, forget your home address!

In simple words ............

May 2010 be the best year of your life so far!!

Love Always,
Me

Merrry Christmas & Happy New Year!!!

2009-12-28T10:25:00.002+05:30

It's that wonderful time of the year!!!

So here's wishing you every joy this season and always!!!

and as we step into...

Wishing You a

Merry Christmas & a Wonderful New Year!!!

Award Time...

2009-11-29T04:42:00.002+05:30

Thanks heaps Serene Chaos for the award given to me on your awesome blog.

All awards carry with them a little something to do... For this one:

1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

So here goes - 7 things you may not know about me:

1. I love pink. :)
2. I'm obsessed with taking pictures. 99% of the time i carry a camera in my hand bag and i have over 200 albums on fb, and most of them are full.
3. As sad as it may sound, i've never gone overseas, and i don't even know why.
4. As a child my first ambition was to be a detective one day.
5. At 19 i had a serious crush on Archie, yep the comic character. ha.. ha...(and i still love the comics)
6. I'm mortally scared of needles, but i fought my fears and got a tatoo this year, something i wanted to do since i was a tiny lil kid.
7. A few years ago, I read news on a local tv channel.

:)

and i hereby tag the awesome bloggers, of the following blogs - feel free to check them out.

The Black Lullaby
The Missing Sandwich
Butterfly Dreamer
Softly Spoken
Darkside Daily
1 door away from heaven
Reflections

have a lovely Sunday! :)

as another month pasess by...

2009-11-29T03:42:00.004+05:30

So I haven't written a proper post in ages. I was wondering a few weeks back what could possibly be the reason for this. Apparently, people need to be inspired to write, so i started thinking what inspires me, is it "pain" is it when i'm usually in a really down, pretty foul mood that i usually feel like writing. So if that's the case, i haven't probably written in awhile cos i haven't been in such a mood for sometime. oh! well, not that i'm complaining. :D

The last couple of months have taken a real turn in my life. Apart from the work stress, although unexpected, most of it for the better. I tried a couple of times to jot something down, but there are so many words scrambled in my head, but i just couldn't put anything into a sentence.

i guess i had so many things to keep me occupied. tons of work, friends, family and the most amazing person who walked into my life. :)

And then i turned 27, making me realize that i really don't look forward to birthdays anymore, for obvious reasons.

Last week i came down with the flu. just as i'm getting better now, i can't fall asleep. It's past 3am local time. so i just logged in and started typing this post which i know don't makes any sense at all, while reading the posts of some of my favorite bloggers, which again is something i love to do, but haven't done properly in awhile. And i came across this post by TMS.

I can't believe i didn't notice how beautiful this song is before, and how wonderful its lyrics were.

So here it is, i'm sharing it with you. Enjoy!

Reconciliation through Film!

2009-11-05T17:07:00.003+05:30

A clip on the latest movie to be released in Sri Lanka

Thank You for giving to The Lord!!!

2009-10-20T13:19:00.003+05:30

I came across this song on fb! it's such a beautiful, feel good song, so wanted to share it with you! :)

Thank You For Giving To The Lord ~ Ray Boltz

Award - the very first one!!!

2009-09-29T12:15:00.003+05:30

I was thrilled to receive the "Loyal Friend & Reader" award from Serene Chaos

This is also my very first blog award.. thank you so much S.C. hugs!!

Guess it's now my turn to spread the love...(i believe i have to give this to 5 more bloggers)

so i pass this on to...

The Missing Sandwich - you're the first that crossed my mind, this one's for being my friend, in the blog-sphere and in real life

Black Lullaby - for being a loyal friend, a friend for life

Anand at hell lotta tips - your blog never fail to crack me up and your comments never fail to make me smile!

Shadow at 1 door way from heaven - for your beautiful posts and encouraging words

Louis at Pursuit of Something Real - for your lovely words that are so real, and really make me think

hey it's not illegal to add one more right - specially if i think they really deserve this

so i re-award this to you Serene Chaos - for all those posts and comments that are so close to my heart and never fail to wow me!!!

:)

thank you all for being a part of my blog world!!!

love and hugs!!!

Frozen...

2009-09-15T17:11:00.002+05:30

I begged, I pleaded

I said not to do this

said you wouldn't like it

I can turn into a stone

You pushed, you ignored

You took me for granted

You misjudged how i would be

when turned into a stone

You saw, you felt it

the love that i can give

I gave you all that I had

I melted for you

You'll see, you'll feel it

how frozen i can be

I've got nothing more to offer you

but a cold heart of stone!!!

Been Embarassed thanks to Parents??

2009-09-03T17:38:00.004+05:30

I just had one of the most embarrassing moments in my life...

As usual, I'm at work, busy doing nothing, when I notice a missed call from my father.

So I call back, & he says he's got something to give me & he will drop by at my office in 5 mts.

Me elated, that i get to see my dad, who i have not seen in almost a month says ok, while wondering what could be so important that he's got to come to my office to give me...

My dad walks in, hands me an envelop and moves to the next cubical to talk to my now colleague, who was once in college with him. (who is also quite a senior person in office, by both age and designation.Let's call him Mr. AP) So while they have a chat, I open the big envelop, to find pages & pages from a newspaper... & what's on it...

guess... guess... did you??

MARRIAGE PROPOSALS!!

Raight!!

So now I'm lost for a moment. wondering if this was a mistake. I mean, common, my dad coming to my office SPECIFICALLY to handover paper cuttings of marriage proposals. no can't be. so i wait till he finishes his chat to ask him what in the world is this??? And he says yes go through it and see if there's anything suitable. Now I'm STUNNED. Lost for words i STARE at him.

And then he nicely turn to my colleague (his school mate) & takes the paper and nicely show it to him saying see she should go through these stuff now or something to that effect, cos i lost him somewhere there, for all i wanted to do was disappear. I was so damn embarrassed.

Mr. AP who is quite clearly aware of the increased number of phone calls and text messages I've been getting since last month, (clearly as he sits next to me), & who once saw my cousin picking me up from office and thought he was my boy friend - says "but i thought she had someone" to which my darling daddy replies "the problem is it's not just ONE" - OMG DAD!!!

So daddy leaves office, and I'm left to answer a few questions of a now puzzled Mr. AP. I blame my mom says "she's clearly behind this, as she's got nothing better to do at home anymore." I'm sure he's still confused about the whole thing which is besides the point!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY PARENTS!!!

It's a good thing I find this whole thing embarrassing, in quite a funny & hilarious way!! Otherwise I would've been just mad.

I mean common seriously, have you ever been faced with a situation like this???

Well, If you have please do share your experience, a moment that you've been embarrassed thanks to your parents!!??!!

Anyways, what I also just realized is apparently, my parents desire to give me in marriage is more serious than I thought, I guess now I'll have to do something to get this madness off their head. Now I can see this is going to be quite a task...

Please wish me luck!!!

Alimankada... a movie...

2009-09-03T10:49:00.004+05:30

Just wanted to share this song clip from the movie titled "Alimankada", based on Nihal de Silva's novel Road from Elephant Pass.
The movie is to be soon released in the theaters in Sri Lanka.

Road From Elephant Pass.....Alimankada

Aging...

2009-08-31T18:33:00.072+05:30

This is another one of those forward mails i liked, and thought of sharing... hope you enjoy it as much as i did :) ((pics taken off internet))

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END

YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE...

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life ...... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

George Carlin at age102

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92..'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2.. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4.. Enjoy the simple things.

5.. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7.. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8.. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9.. Don't take guilt trips. Take a shopping trip, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away...

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

Broken Promises...

2009-07-23T14:58:00.012+05:30

They were seated at the far end of “Galle Face” where the Sun had just hidden beneath the Ocean. The sounds of crashing waves were so soothing to her. The ships far away looked so tiny and the stars had begun to come out one, by one. She remembered how they shared a moment like this so many years ago. But back then, things were different. She slowly took her hand away from him. She knew meeting him was a bad idea. Now she blamed herself for agreeing to go ahead with this meeting. It’s been the same story over and over again, for so long.

She knew what was going to happen next, like a scene from a play. He will first go on about how much he loved this woman who had just left him and the things he’s done for her, and how much he’s suffering now. She will just hold him, and tell him that everything will be alright. In a few days, he will tell her how he never got over her and will ask for another chance. When she says it’s probably not the best thing to do, he will promise to remain friends, and then before a week passes, she will not hear from him, then, she’ll know that he’s found someone new, fallen in love, yet again, and therefore, she was not needed anymore. She will never ever hear from him again, at least not until he’s left with no one to talk to, again.

How many times had this happened? Once, Twice, Thrice… no, it was more.

But wasn’t it her fault for letting this happen, and complicating her perfectly normal life for this man, all over and over and over again?

So here, it was happening again…

She calmly looked in to his eyes. He stared back at her. And then he finally broke the silence.

“You know, you’re like an angel, always there for me, after everything I’ve done. Why do you still put up with me?”

She smiled. The answer to that, she didn’t know.

“I know I’m not good enough for you to give me another chance” he went on “I know I’m a disappointment. How can you love me, after everything I’ve done to you?”

This time she wanted to scream.

“The reason I can’t give you another chance is not because I don’t want to, it’s not because I don’t want to be with you, it’s not because I don’t love you, it’s not because I think you’re not good enough for me. I will never ever think like that.

The reason is because you never make me feel wanted or special. Like all these different women you’ve told me about over the years. Every time you go on telling me you did this and that for them, and how nicely you treated them, and how badly they treated you, I sit next to you thinking, why you didn’t ever treat me like that. Why you never did those nice things for me? Was I that bad? Was I that undeserving? Was I such a bad person?

Over the years you keep coming back to me, asking me for another chance, and then you forget me. Unlike all the other women in your life, who are so very special to you!! I’m just forgotten, and you don’t even care.

You don’t care that you hurt me so much. You don’t care that you keep breaking my heart from little pieces into another million little pieces. The only reason we ever went out was because I was some kind of a challenge to you at the beginning, you perused me with everything you got, but then when you had me, I was just not worth anything.

You don’t care about my feelings, you never did. You don’t understand how much I love you, you never will. The amount of tears I’ve shed for you means nothing to you. I love you damn it, I love you, I love you so much, and you’ve hurt me as much.

You’ll hurt me again, I’m scared, I don’t want to go through that pain all over again. That’s why I can’t be with you!! because I love you!!”

She wanted to scream all this out. But instead, she blankly stared into his eyes.

He broke the silence again. “We should go then, it’s getting dark, come, I’ll drop you home.”

Without saying a word, she obeyed him and got up to leave. He gently stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. They walked up to the car without uttering another word. She knew what he was thinking. He was thinking that she had no emotions and she’s a cold stone. But out of all the people in her life, could he really blame her for that?

He started the car and switched the radio on. “I’ll be your crying shoulder, I’ll be the greatest fan of your life” Edwin Mccain was singing. “You gotta be kidding me” she thought. He looked at her and they both smiled. How ironic fate was. It was the same song he sang to her when he asked her out over 6 years ago. She thought how true that song sang to her today, and how ironic it was. He’s got many fans, but she will definitely be the greatest fan of his, she knew that, but he didn’t, she thought as she smiled. “When will fate stop playing these games with me”, she thought while letting out a deep sigh.

She sat in silence as millions of questions ran through her head. Whatever that was going to happen, should she tell him how she really felt? During endless chats with her friends, they would advice her not to. “It’s not worth it” they will say. No matter how much you wanted to believe that he’ll change, he never will. Even if you try to work things out, there’s no guarantee it will last. He will try for awhile, and then go back to being himself again.”

“What you thinking”

“Nothing” she lied. What difference was it going to make anyway.

He walked her up to her door and gave her a tight hug before he turned to leave. She stood near the door and watched him walk away. “I’m not the same person anymore.” She remembered his words. But she knew that she’s not going to hear from him again. She was certain. By tomorrow there will be someone else and he will move on… and the story will continue with a few changes here and there. If this one also wasn’t the one, then she will probably see him again, if not, she’ll probably never see him again.

“I have changed” his words echoed in her head, again. How she wanted to believe him. But she wondered even if he knew what he was saying. She will never gain anything from telling him what was in her heart, but she wondered if it was still the right thing to do.

She turned back, and called out his name. He stopped and turned back and started walking towards her again.

Now what was she going to do??? She was feeling breathless and uneasy as the same questions ran through her mind over and over again with vivid flashes of the past. Hurt, Betrayal, Tears, Pain. Did she want to go through all this again?? Was she going to make the mistake of inviting all this into her life again?? What was she really going to do….????!!!!

Should she tell him how she really feels???!!!

what would you do??

The Price

2009-07-05T20:53:00.006+05:30

As I walked through the valley of life
Of smooth roads and beautiful sights
Flowers bloomed, birds sang
What could go wrong, in this perfect life!!

Slowly, slowly, I took the steps
On this road, I was living my dream
I lost count of the blessings that meant
And then I saw the most beautiful thing

A rose that was as black as blood
A rose that was as white as snow
How could this be, fascinated I was
All I wanted was to get close to it as I could

The warnings were clear; I wasn’t supposed to pluck it
Forbidden to get close, forbidden to smell it
But how could I resist, such a beautiful thing
What could go wrong, I was living my dream

I just wanted to get close to the most perfect rose
To enjoy its scent, feel its petals - so real
Slowly, slowly, I changed my path
To get close the rose, beneath the stars

I touched the rose, as smooth as ever
And felt the stings, pain like never
Thorns that were so poisonous and sharp
Were covering it from all parts

My lips turned blue, as I kissed the rose
Its petals, filled with poison so vicious
Its scent was no better, it ran through my lungs
As I silently screamed, what have I done??

I fell on my knees, I couldn’t go on
I felt my last breath struggling for hope
Deceived by the most beautiful rose
I was trapped forever among the thorns!!!

R I P MJ - a legend of our time...

2009-06-26T10:19:00.022+05:30

If you were born in early or mid 80's or late 70's, (i don't know, maybe even early 70's) the chances are that at one point in your life, you were definitely a Michal Jackson fan. Your taste in music or artist must have changed with the years, but still MJ must've been a part of your life, at some point.

For me he was. MJ was a big part of my childhood. Just to jot down a few reasons why;

- He was my first ever favourite artist. Before I was a fan of any actor or cricketer or sports star or any other singer, I was a fan of MJ

- His Thriller video was one of the first video's I remember as a child - The cover of my first song book was a picture of Michael Jackson. (I had 7 books, by 18 & then I stopped).

- “Heal the World” was the first song on my first song book

- I collected his pictures and postcards and stickers

- & my first crush had a named called "Janson" the closest I could get to Jackson :) Yes, at one point in my life I was a crazy Jackko fan. :)

He was not just an ordinary singer or just a not-so ordinary singer. He was an entertainer. How many people can move like that?? :) As a child I was always amazed at how those large numbers of crowds cry and cheer and pass out at his concerts.

The death of Michael Jackson was the 1st thing I heard this morning. I was fast asleep when I got the news alert saying the King of Pop was no more. I just couldn’t believe it. My heart literally sank. And in the morning I remembered this blog post I read a few weeks back, which when i initially read, made me smile and took me back to my childhood. Life is a funny thing, I tell you!

I know there were many stories and controversies surrounding him. When all that happened for some reason, I always felt sorry for him. Despite various stories, rumors or otherwise, he called out to the sad hearts of many and had made an impact in the lives of so many people across the world, despite classes, races, colour or ages.

How many people would’ve been happy just listening to his music or watching him perform. Undoubtedly the number is countless.

So this is just my little tribute to Michael Jackson. R I P King of Pop, your music and memory will live forever. You began an era, your legend will live forever!!

Michael Jackson

August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

a partner for life....

2009-06-15T00:16:00.006+05:30

He felt her move up his body gently
As little chills took him over entirely
Each vein in his body, longed for her touch
He could feel her running through his blood

She grabbed his hand and gripped him tight
She caressed him softly, with all her might
Her endless whispers, kept him awake
As she slowly took control of his dreams

He had given in, she had overpowered
His wishes, his life and his soul
He helplessly lay, but he loved her deep
He wanted to surrender to her completely

With each tear shed, her presence was felt
With every breath he took, she grew a little stronger
With her he lie, there’s nothing else he needs
With her he’s trapped, or does he want to escape?

She is his companion, through the lonely nights
She is his pleasure, his tears, she had dried
Pain her name is, her captive, he is
She had pledged, to be with him for life!!!

Time to do something for them...

2009-06-11T11:57:00.016+05:30

I got these pictures off a fwd mail. It's not calling us to stop living our lives, it's just calling us to do something for them, the innocent victims of a bloody war, to make their lives a little better!

THEM..................................... US

SHOULDN'T SOMETHING BE DONE?

SOMETHING MORE THAN THIS???

MORE THAN THIS???

IN SIMPLE WAYS WE CAN, FOR OUR OWN PEOPLE?

FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY!!

As I Mature...

2009-06-10T16:48:00.002+05:30

One of those things i got off a fwd mail and thought was worth sharing... :)
click on the image to view properly...

when concentration leaves you...

2009-06-04T16:28:00.005+05:30

For days now, I've been trying to write something here, failing miserably. i just can't seem to think of anything to jot down, simply cos i don't seem to be able to control or give attention to anything for more than 10 seconds. having said that this is probably the longest i stuck to something for more than 10 seconds within the last two weeks, but I'm sure before i complete another sentence i would either get up or at least click on another window, just because.

There i did it!! sigh!

what is wrong with me? i don't know, all i know is I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING!! this is not a good thing is it? no it isn't.

The whole of last week, i was down with the flu, so as a result i didn't get any work done at office. And then i went home to be pampered and taken care of by my mom. & then like a big shot i decided to take my parents out for dinner for their 28th anniversary. the venue i picked was this beautiful restaurant by the beach. i knew the sea breeze wasn't going to agree with me but i wasn't let that gonna stop me from making sure that my parents have nice dinner. so there we went, and by the next day i was half dead again.

so when i came back to work on Monday i still haven't recovered completely. & for the last 4 days i haven't got any work done. NOTHING!! this is not good. Thursday is almost over, and i have so much of work to finish, but i haven't even started anything yet. When i go home, all i keep thinking is, from tomorrow morning, i'm gonna start, and i'm going to complete all my work, but then i come to work, i don't do anything.

What's worse is, i'm not even playing poker on FB anymore. No, i'm not wasting my time doing that either, i'm just wasting my time doing NOTHING. Nothing prodcutive. atleast POKER woul'dve been more productive ya. All i think of is eating and sleeping, but when it comes to it, i'm not doing that properly either. Out of jokes, this post, which makes no sence at all, is my MOST PRODUCTIVE work for the entire week. OMG!!

I'm freaking out now! i need to get out of this phase & i don't know how? why am i being like this? me, who hates doing nothing. this is just inasne & it's driving me nuts. And if i don't pull myself together, i will probably be without a job by next week. What in the world am i going to do?? HELP!!!

a historic moment, hope for a better future & a lil prayer...

2009-05-18T17:30:00.027+05:30

"Proud to be Sri Lankan"

always was, always will be...

If you’re living in Sri Lanka, the sound of crackers that goes off from time to time was nothing new in the last week or so. It was one big celebration here. There were people dancing on the streets, everywhere. These days not only there’s a Sri Lankan flag hoisted in almost every house in the country, you will hardly find a vehicle on the roads that does not carry one. There were counltess numbers of all sorts of FB statuses and notes and numerous pictures depicting the patriotism of the Sri Lankan people. To be honest, I haven't witnessed such celebrations and such gleeful and genuinely happy people in this country since Sri Lanka won the Cricket World Cup in 1996.

Even though, the situation in Sri Lanka in the recent past was something I felt very strongly about, I preferred to avoid discussing or writing about it much in public, for the simple reason that I get very emotional about it, way too emotional. But now with Sri Lankan government claiming victory over the LTTE, bringing to an end a war that grappled this little nation for over 26 years, and the feeling of patriotism mounting so high, I too wanted to jot down a few words about my two cents about this historic milestone in our little country.

When I was little my mom used to tell me about the times she used travel to Jaffna by train during holidays to visit her sister. At the time, my uncle was working in the Navy and was based there. She used to tell me how beautiful Jaffna was. I was always fascinated and I remember telling her that I would love to go there, one day. But leaving me disappointed, and breaking my little heart, my mom would tell me that the hopes of me or the many generations after me travelling to Jaffna is just dim, it’s just a dream, by public transport or otherwise. This war will never end, that's what our parents thought. That's what we grew up believing, with a war that was as old as I am.

And today, there is hope, for us to go anywhere in this little country, without any fear. There is HOPE!! For this I must say hats off to the President who promised that we can live as one nation now and to our armed forces for making the impossible, a reality. We salute them, who put their lives at stake, so that our lives will be protected.

Well, what next? Is the war really over, or is it the beginning of something else? Yes, it’s too early to know. I guess only God knows. But however, I, like many Sri Lankans out there celebrating on the roads, am glad, that the bloody war that took over 70 thousand lives, in the last 26 years is finally over. And I do pray and hope that people in this little country will open up their hearts and minds, and see that we’re all one, and we all sweat, suffer, bleed and laugh alike.

Well, with all this hype, there were so many questions going on in my head too. Is it right to celebrate like this, when over 70,000 people have lost their lives to this bloody war? Wasn’t it inhumane to celebrate the death of someone, no matter how terrible a terrorist he was? What about his family, how would they feel? Well, most people had mixed views about this.

So here’s my conclusion. Maybe lighting firecrackers and dancing on the streets is not the best way to celebrate. But can you blame the people who lived in fear for nearly 30 years, not knowing when a bomb will go off, not knowing if you or your loved ones would return home or not, once they leave home, for celebrating a glimpse of hope to what they believe is peace finally dawned. With all the heartless, barbaric acts that the LTTE leader carried out, who is to say he did not deserve it? How many people did he kill? Did he care when people lost their parents, siblings, and children? But there were people, yes, Sinhalese people, who genuinely felt sorry for him and his family for their plight.

No, the celebrations were not to celebrate anyone’s death or disrespect those who lost their lives in the last 26 years.

The celebrations are
for the lives that will not be lost to a bloody war in the next 26 years to come,
for renewed hope
for a nation that’s one
for a younger generation that will not be born to a terror filled land
for our children, who will only hear about the cruel brutality that grappled this motherland, but will not have to be tormented the way we did
for the death, of a war

And no amidst all this celebrations
we have not forgotten those who lost their lives to this bloody war
we have not forgotten those who lost their loved ones to this bloody war
we have not forgotten those who are now left without a place to call their home
we remember them,
and we celebrate cos
now we have hope that people in this little country will not have to go through the same suffering
we celebrate, cos we can now join as one, to rebuilt our nation,
‘cos there’s HOPE for a better tomorrow….!!!

pictures:taken from the internet

a day in the life of...

2009-05-08T01:58:00.010+05:30

The weather was very gloomy outside. But not as gloomy as she felt, she thought. She had not left her room in days now. She’s hardly had anything to eat. She couldn’t cry anymore, her tears had dried out. For the first time in days, she opened her bedroom windows, and looked outside. As the cool breeze brushed across her face, she felt better. That’s the most relief she had experienced in days. She decided to take a walk; there was nothing else left for her to do in this room.

She walked across the road towards the beach and sat on a corner. The evening had attracted so many to the beach. She watched as children played, filled with joy and laughter. She wished she was one of them. So carefree and full of life, no complications, she wanted to smile like that; she wanted to laugh like that.

She watched as lovers walked along the beach, holding hands, whispering sweet nothings. She felt that tingling loneliness taking over her again. How she wished there was someone right there holding her hand. How she wished he was there. But here she was all alone; she didn’t even remember anymore, how it felt like to be touched. Again, she longed to feel his touch, for the millionth time. She never had, and she never will. She fought the thought off and looked at the ocean.

There it was, beautiful as always. The sea had always amazed her, for as long as she could remember. The beach was her soothing balm. She remembered how she used to walk along the beach with her father when she was a child, and how she used to tell him that one day she will go as far as the horizon, and touch the sky. That was one of her biggest dreams, and she was determined to do it. But now she’s grown up and knew the harsh truth. That cannot be done. How cruel the reality is, and now she remembered this, she disliked it even more,

She observed everyone passing by. There were some familiar faces that greeted her as they walked on and lots of unfamiliar faces, some even bothered to smile with her, even though she was a complete stranger. She thought how cruel the world was as she watched these people full of smiles. Families, lovers, friends, the young, the old all of whom that didn’t have a clue about the pain that she was going through. She wanted to scream, didn’t they understand that she was suffering, that she was suffering for days. How could they act so free and happy around her? How could they? How she wished she was one of them. Not a single problem, she wanted to be happy like them.

But who was she to judge? What does she know about their lives? Maybe they’re going through the same pain, or they could be going through worse. How would she know? They are getting on with their lives, hiding all those problems behind a smile. They are smiling, just like she was.

She let out a deep sigh!! This is life she thought. And whatever happens, it all happens to people, humans just like her. It’s the way you treat life that matters. Only if she could do this, without being consumed by everything that happens. She watched as the sun hid in the faraway horizon, maybe reality will shatter your dreams at times, that don’t mean you can't try.

It’s time to make a difference, in her life, she thought as she got up to leave the beach. She looked at the sky, the weather was much better now. She smiled the biggest smile in a long time, looking straight in the eyes of the next stranger that walked passed her. "How free and happy she is, only if she knew what pain was", the stranger thought, as he got lost in the crowded beach.

Pain...

2009-04-27T08:55:00.006+05:30

to hurt

to break

to bleed

it’s good to feel the pain sometimes

it makes you realize that...you’re ALIVE!

23rd July 2007

A Painful Smile

2009-04-24T15:15:00.010+05:30

just like that i felt my world come crashing down
you were holding her hand, i was melting down
i forced a smile, i fought the tears
you were smiling with me, clueless of my fears

what did i do? was it my fault
to not let go, to hold on
to fall for you, despite warnings so clear
was it my fate, or was i a fool

you'll never see, you'll never know
a moment i dread, i lived for you
you'll laugh at me, if i told you
the pain in this smile, is just for you!!

Some pics of Kittensky, who's now called TOM :)

2009-04-23T13:21:00.002+05:30

Hello Rain...

2009-04-22T10:19:00.005+05:30

Yay!!! it finally Rained today!! after weeks and weeks and weeks. It's like a Earth Day celebration!! :)

If you're living in Colombo, you definitely know how horrible it was the last few days, due to the unbearable heat. In the last couple of days with the fan on full and all my bedroom windows open, i still used to wake up in the mornings sweating, it wasn't fun.So when it finally rained early this morning, it was more than welcoming.

So i decided to sleep a little late, considering my office is just a 15 mts drive from home, i thought maybe its ok to get late a bit. So when i left home, the rain's stopped, but the weather was so nice and cold. So i was thinking how great this day's gonna be, and then i hit the traffic on the Timbirigasyaya Rd. So that's where i was for the next hour or more. Stuck in traffic. errrrgggghhh!! To top all that the trishaw guy, eventhough was very nice, wasn't even putting a few vettu's like other trishaw guys, to get pass the traffic. So depsite many roads in Colombo being flooded, I concluded that only the cop, who was directing traffic on that road was to blame for the deadly traffic. yes, all his fault.

Anyway, the weather outside is still nice and cold and i can even hear the birds sing.

So Happy Earth Day everyone!! Have a lovely day!! :)

The little Kitty!!

2009-04-15T10:34:00.008+05:30

This little kitty just walked into our lives last Saturday. Well, it came running rather, out of nowhere. A few of us had met up at a friend's sisters place 'cos they were out of town, and seated around the veranda, having a chat, when it came running. Clearly, none of us had the heart to just leave it there and come, that's why my flatmate with a big heart decided to bring it home. Since then our mission was to find a loving home for the little fellow, cos clearly our flat is not big enough for all its naughtiness and mischievousness. We still don't know if its a he or a she. And we're not gonna try find out.We wanted to name it but then didn't want to get too attached. Despite the fact that i'm sometimes alergic to cats, sometimes even dogs, i guess cos of the fur, i wish we could keep this one. But clearly, we can't. So anyways the cat lady in our gang, as popularly known, (and i've never in my life met anyone who loves animals as much as she does) have agreed to give our little kitty a home. So we will soon give it away, but glad we can alteast visit once inawhile. And the best party is it will not only have a big garden to play in now, it wil also have 3 other playmates and lots more if its kind, 10 alltogether, which will definitely make it feel at home. :)

we will clearly miss the little one though, our little kitty!!

it wants to know everything about everything aroud and moves like a lil tiger cub, streching its tiny little paws. so cute & adorable. i think it strongly believes that its on a mission, to hunt. :)

The Holiday!!!

2009-04-11T14:11:00.003+05:30

Well, the fact that Sri Lanka probably got the most number of public holiday's is no secret. But this week just took that to another level. I am right now on holiday for six days, yes six days. It started with Poya on Thursday, Good Friday obviously on Friday, then Saturday and Sunday which also marks Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday & then on Monday & Tuesday, we Sri Lankan's mark the Sinhala & Tamil New Year!! wooopppeeeeeee!! Can you imagine how great it is to be a working citizen in this country. And for me who worked in a newsroom for the first 5 years and hardly got even the normal festive holidays off, this is paradise!!

However, while 99% of the people i know, and don't know make the maximum use of this holiday, going on trips etc etc etc, i am here, spending these wonderful six days, the way i would spend any other weekend. Waking up late, doing my laundry, eating, and doing nothing. Not to forget, meeting the usual gang up for drinks and games and pointless arguments at nights. well, even tho it would've been nice if i was somewhere far away, somewhere near the beach, cuddled up and reading a book or watching the sunset, all by myself, or lost in the woods somewhere, on top of a tree house, from where i can see miles and miles of blue sky and greenery, i don't know if i actually want to spend these few days any other way.

So tomorrow, I'll be going home, to my parent's, for Easter, and then celebrate avurudu, with lots of kawum and kokiss and other traditional sweets. I just can't wait.

So all of you who's having a rocking holiday and a not-so-rocking holiday, i would like to wish a "Happy Easter" & say "Suba Aluth Avurudak Wewa!!" :)

In memory of a lil' Angel...

2009-04-08T12:49:00.004+05:30

This is something i wrote for my niece exactly a year ago,
Born & Died on 8th April 2008.
To a baby girl who we pledged to love, but never got to hold.
May you Rest In Peace!!!!

A Promise to a lil' Angel

As I lay on my bed last night,
I wished, I prayed…
To wake up in the morning
to find that you were there, safe & sound
That yesterday was just a bad dream,
That you were safe, saving us much pain & heartache…
But you’re not; you’ve gone to a happier place
A place without pain, to a place free from cruelty,
A place someone as beautiful as you deserves.
I’m sorry, for not being there to see you,
To see your lovely eyes,
I’m sorry for all of us who weren’t there to hold you
We wanted to, so much…
But I promise you, we loved you, we cried for you
& for us you’ll be more than a memory…
‘Cos we felt you & we loved you…
Even before you were born, & we will love you forever…
That’s a promise!!!

to ex's, children & precious moments!!!

2009-04-08T09:11:00.017+05:30

Well, i had quite an interesting night yesterday. Most of my friends turned up at home after work. We ordered lots of rotti from the karatthe near my flat, and yummy curry that S made. N came over with with a bottle of tequila. Tequila Gold!! :) It was the first time i tried it, 40 something % alcohol is not the best idea when you have to go to work the next morning, but hey the bottle was there, so a few shots wouldn't hurt right.

So N S B & i sat on the floor and opened the bottle, 'cos by then the rest had left. i didn't want to drink more than maybe two shots. we gulped down the first one, with lime and salt of course. & then came the 2nd. B made a toast. "To all our ex's, may they wake up each morning thinking what a fabulous thing they lost. well, well, what better way to put that. :) So after much chit chat and crazy talk and listening to great songs, came the next toast, "to the children we will one day have, may they never know of the bad things we've done so that when they do the same things we will sound believable while telling them it's wrong" :) oh! well, our kids will be lucky if they find a great bunch of friends like we did. ;)

So since a 6 day holiday starts today, we decided that we should leave the bottle so that we can drink properly, without worrying about going to work in the morning. So the final toast for the day was... "To moments like these, may they be etched in our memories forever, so that we will remember them at times, when we need them the most"...what more can u ask for... well, a 3/4 bottle of tequila and more such memories awaits, tonight... ;)

Starting anew...

2009-04-06T14:06:00.005+05:30

She woke up in the morning, it was quiet. she could see sunlight outside her bedroom window, she hated the light, but the world can't be sleeping, she thought. She listened for awhile, hoping to hear the sound of vehicles passing outside her window, or birds chirping outside. but she couldn't hear anything. everything was so quiet.

She closed her eyes again. she ran through the memories of the last couple of weeks in her head. some sad, some happy, some made her weak, some made her stronger. at least that's what she wanted to feel, stronger.

The highs and lows during the last few weeks had left her feeling lost and stranded. All she wanted was to collect the shattered pieces and put them together. She knew that the cracks will be there, but at least she just wanted to heal, she wished the wounds will dry off.

Why was she holding on so tight to this pain. why couldn't she let go. She's been trying to find answers to these questions for sometime now. She felt as if she was tightly holding a bird that was struggling to break free, all she had to do was, open her hands and let go, but why wasn't she doing it?

She had to start somewhere. But where? that was the question. She knew there was no point fighting back what she was feeling anymore. She had done that for so long and she didn't like the place that had left her. Fighting was not an option for her, she thought, it was the only answer, the only way out, the only way to survive. But now she realized that she's been too busy fighting, she's been blind to the fact that she's been hurting people she loved and cared about in the process. That's why she needed to remove the cause from its roots. She wanted to. She wanted to find herself again.

She opened her eyes. It was a bright day. She could not only hear the birds now, she could see them flying, so happy and free. For the first time in years, she wanted to welcome that light, right into her life. She got down on her knees, for the first time in years she wanted to say good bye to that darkness that had sheltered and taken her over.

She wanted a new start, she wanted a new beggining... she wanted her life back...
She wanted to live and laugh again.
More than anything... she wanted to cry again!!!

In the eyes of a beast...

2009-04-02T21:55:00.006+05:30

She lay still
She could feel the warmth of his lips taking control of every vein in her body, little by little
They were slowly moving up her thighs, caressing her gently
She wanted to scream, Scream with pleasure,
She wanted to move, But she couldn’t, She was mesmerized

She was trying, trying so hard to fight the temptation
She tried to resist
But, did she want to? She felt his lips on her neck
She mourned; she didn’t want him to stop
It was wrong, but nothing’s ever felt so right
His lips finally touched hers, bringing a tingling feeling of warmth
Nothing’s ever felt so good

She’s been trapped for a centaury, but she never felt this helpless
She finally opened her eyes and she saw him, for the first time
The beast above her
But she didn’t move
She wasn’t scared anymore
It was as if she belonged there with him, Yes, she knew, she did

The beast looked at her, right into her eyes
She’s never seen eyes like that so beautiful and warm
she looked deep, deep into his eyes
what could she possibly find in the eyes of a beast?
And then, right at that moment she knew, she saw,
for the first time in 100 years, she saw love!!!

Mindset

2009-04-02T10:16:00.002+05:30

Just something i came across and thought was worth sharing... :)

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

2009-03-28T12:49:00.014+05:30

She was looking into his eyes and him into hers. the feeling was wonderful. they stood. not too far away from each other. there were people around them, but they didn't care. it was as if the time has stopped for them.

she kept a step forward, so did he, towards her... but they weren't getting any closer. she didn't know what was happening. every time she was trying to get close to him, she was being pushed further away. just like that he disappeared. she couldn't see him anymore. she fell on her knees. she couldn't take the pain. she wanted to scream, wanted to ask him to stay, not to leave her there. all she wanted was to hold him, just once. to get lost in his arms, 'cos she never felt so safe anywhere else. what was she going to do?

the pain pierced her heart like needles. she could feel it spread through each vein in her body. she wanted to scream, she so badly wanted to hold him and cry. she couldn't take the pain anymore.

"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone"

she heard a familiar song in a distance. where was that coming from.

"I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps and
I'm the only one and I walk alone"

she opened her eyes. she woke up. her phone was ringing. she lay listening to the ring tone without picking up the phone.

"I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a..."

It was a dream. she took a deep breath. she was glad to be awake. but that pain. the pain was still there. why? it was not always she remembered dreams. but she remembered this one. clearly. why, a dream like that? she wondered.

was it really a dream or was it really how she was feeling. OMG! she thought, where had these feelings been hiding. she thought she let go, so long ago, but then why did it hurt so much. why was this dream so real. she felt scared.

she took her now silent phone and started typing a text. she wanted to tell him, that she had dreamt of him, she wanted to tell him that she missed him, missed him so much. and that more than anything else in this world, she wanted him there, at least to hold him just once. she wanted to tell him that she will shed every frozen tear drop in her eye, every drop of it, just for him. well, she knew she wasn't going to say all that. but she at least wanted to say she missed him.

she stopped and thought again, but would he want to know if she missed him or not. would he even care. maybe he didn't. if he did he would at least bother to find out how she was doing, or say that he missed her. she remembered the dream "every time she tried to get close she was pushed further away." 'It is time to walk alone', she thought, more than that, 'it was time to walk away'.

she didn't know where to start. but she knew she had to start somewhere. she couldn't bear this pain anymore. it will break her. she couldn't hide it behind a smile anymore.

"I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone"

"Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone"

she clicked the cancel button on her phone. just like a hundred other messages she meant to send him, this was unsent too. It was time to check her vital signs now, to know if she was still alive, cos she wanted to be, she wanted to be alive again...

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone..."

listening to the sound of her phone, she closed her eyes, wondering where to start...!!

Yearning...

2009-03-27T09:17:00.006+05:30

I want to cry,

‘cos it hurts every time I laugh

Behind these eyes,

there’s a secret hidden, a story never told

This heart’s carrying a burden,

yet emptiness is all it feels

To feel the warmth of just one tear drop,

I promise, I’ll give anything...

Ultimate Peace...

2009-03-24T16:57:00.006+05:30

As the first sun rays for the day fell, he slowly opened his eyes
Lying on his bed, he looked outside his bedroom window
The sky was a lovely colour, shaded with blue, pink and yellow
Beautiful and breathtaking
He lay there, as his thoughts ran back to the past
He reminisced… laughter and tears, pain and love
He remembered everything, like it was happening in front of his eyes
Every smile, every tear drop, friends, loved ones, good and bad times
He had no regrets; he was grateful for each moment that life has given him
Every obstacle, every tear, ever time it hurt and ached just added more beauty to life
He lived his life to the fullest he thought; he wouldn’t want to change anything, nothing
He was a good man, with values, more than anything, he valued life
He watched the squirrels, as they danced on the tree near his window,
He listened to them talk, they were playing with each other,
They were enjoying every second, of their lives
They were living their life, so did he
He was content, he was happy, and a wonderful feeling washed over him
As the sun rays fell on to the tree, he gleefully watched the squirrels
He felt something magical,
He knew what it was, he had found bliss, he had found peace, in that moment
Still listening to the sound of the squirrels dancing outside his window
With a smile, he slowly closed his eyes, forever!!!

To Bleed Again...

2009-03-11T11:30:00.008+05:30

I built a wall

painted it black

blocked all lights out

welcomed darkness in

so that, she wouldn't creep in...

I froze my dreams
locked them away,
froze all the love I felt
to be buried so deep

so , that she wouldn't, creep in...

"steal my tears"

i begged her, "please"

"dry them forever", i said

"i don't want to feel again"

"No, time will heal you"

Pain, she, said to me,

"please leave me forever"

i begged her, i screamed

She did, she left me,
& i slowly froze
a life so real
turned to a cold stone

Now, I'm waiting,
struggling to break free
I'm waiting... for you,
to set me free

Now, I'm waiting
to bleed again...
to be cut open, to be cut deep
So i can feel the warmth again..

Off Facebook!!!

2009-03-05T17:34:00.004+05:30

It's common tradition to give up a vice for lent. So this lent, to give a break to my sinful life, i wanted to make a little sacrifice too. i thought I'll give up on meat, then again, it wouldn't have been so difficult for me, i'm really not a meat person. Well the next option was sweets. This would've been a bit difficult, considering the glut i have for eclairs, cakes and all sorts of sweets but still it didn't seem challenging enough.

So one of my close friends suggested i give up Facebook. i freaked at the thought. no way, cos i can't do it. i knew it would be really difficult to give up Facebook. not because of anything else, because it was the only thing that kept me occupied whenever i was bored. and it is also the only way that i kept track or kept in touch with some of my friends. so naturally i freaked.

But yesterday, over a week later, i thought why not. it's not going to be easy but i can still try. so last night, i made up my mind, that i will refrain from logging in to Facebook for the next 30 or days, till the lent season ends. so today so far i have been able to stick to this, even though it wasn't that easy, it wasn't that difficult either.

My friends have taken bets to the number of days i will stick by this. I'm not sure myself. But i will try my best to make this sacrifice. Not only beacause it's lent. If i could really do this, i will also know, that if i try hard enough, i really can control anything that i have the power to control.

so let's see how it goes... :)

Blessing in Disguise!!

2009-03-03T21:54:00.008+05:30

I started fuming when i heard the news of the SL Cricket team being attacked this morning. It was such horrible news. While worrying about the cricketers that i never really personally knew, and thinking what a horrible experience it would've been for them, i cursed the attackers, really, what were they thinking, like we don't have enough problems in our little country already!!!

In the evening when i sat in front of the TV, maybe for the first time in months, it was to watch news. I wanted to see the visuals of the first ever "Terror Attack on Cricket". While we were sitting there feeling sorry for the Pakistani cops that died in the attack and thanking God that our cricketers were safe, the news moved onto a different story, a story that is seriously gripping our nation at the moment.

There were civilians, men, women, young, old, kids of the all fleeing their homes, their loved ones lost, their houses destroyed, all devastated people. Well as a person who worked at a news station for 4 years, these are not really new images for me. Even though, it just makes you feel something horrible at that point, you move on, without stopping to think, and then there's something new very soon.

But this time, my heart went out for something that i saw, something I've never seen before, not at a displaced camp, not in those visuals. There was a very old lady, of around 70-80 years of age, tightly holding an old man's hand, which is clearly seemed to be her husband, was taking him to a corner, maybe to get water or something. She was just leading him, clearly cos he couldn't walk on his own. Now me explaining what i saw this way will not even give half the affect that image had in me. I thought without a house, with all the suffering, the love they had, how they cared & shared. It was just amazing. If they led a normal life, the sort of life we've been blessed to lead, how happy would they be.

And that's when i stopped to think, how often to we take things that we have for granted. How often to we do that. How often do i do that???

Like today for instance, i was just feeling restless and angry and sorry and annoyed for no reason at all. I didn't even bother to ask people i actually care about how they were doing, when i saw them online. I thought how horrible i am. I just take every second of my life for granted.

I've been blessed with the most amazing parents in the world.
I've got two sisters that i would die for, and who would do the same for me.
I've got cousins who are always there for me.
I've got wonderful friends that i love so much, and who loves me so much.
I've got a job, that i like and even pays me well.
I can even though a little difficult still manage to pay my own rent for the flat I'm sharing with the best flatmate that anyone could ever have
I can listen, talk, read, i can even type
Well, doing one better than most people, i even know what a blog is
And i blog too, at least i try to
So what have to got to complain

I go partying when i want to, and i always have people around me
I have friends who are always there for me, always ready to talk and listen to me
I have a friends who bother about me even though they live half way across the world, makes my problems their problems and check on me, and gets jealous. Even though, this annoys me at times, i love him for that. cos it means he cares.
There are people around me who cares about me enough to annoy me.
did i say i have the best parents in the world!!

So why do i have to take everything in life for granted. Why can't i be grateful for these most amazing things that life has given me. why do i still have to complain and be sad. i really don't have a reason to.

So I'm gonna make a deal with myself from today, i will look at life with a bit more light.
i will not complain nag or feel sorry for myself. at least i will try my best.
i will do my best to be cheerful at ll times.
i will love every second i live. (it's not that i don't now, but i will a bit more)
i will avoid being sad at all times.
i will try my very best to tell people how nice i think they are and what they mean to me and how much i love them. (well, this might not work so well all the time, but I'll try.
i will be less bitchy!! i really will try and less annoying...
And i will pray and thank God a bit more and more often for this wonderful life that he gave me!!

I PROMISE, I WILL TRY!!!

Bliss!!!

2009-02-06T15:38:00.006+05:30

I sat on the beach staring at the ocean…
So beautiful, so soothing and so unpredictable…

I wanted to get lost in it, among the big waves that were crashing endlessly
I wanted to run… run as fast as I can, towards the never-ending horizon
I wanted to get away from all the hassle and the realities of this life

For a moment, I have forgotten everything
I have forgotten the pain, the hurt, and the burdens

I stared… as the rays of sun fell onto the water adding more beauty

The sun was about to set off
It was about to get lost in that horizon, to hide beneath the beautiful ocean

I wanted to get lost in that moment
Away from everything, I wanted to get lost in that dream
The dream I was truly experiencing
A dream I wish would go on forever

All around me was a lovely shade of orange and red
Mixed beautifully into the blues and whites of the ocean
I wished that moment would never end

Seated on the soft sand, feeling the cold water on my feet,
With the wind so soothingly brushing across my face
I was away from everything… it was just me, only me
I wanted to live in that moment forever…
for I knew… in that moment… I have found bliss!!!

A Trip Down South...

2009-02-02T17:25:00.006+05:30

Went down-south for the 2nd consecutive weekend this week. The previous week was spent in Hikkaduwa while this weekend was spent in Unawatuna and Galle. & with each trip i realize that my love for the beach will never die. :)

Galle was queit an experience as i went around the fort for the first time. (sadly, never been there before). & I have to add that we live in such a beautiful country, only if these so called "patriots" realize the value of it before they ruin it, completely.

A few pics from the trip!!

The clock tower at Galle Fort

Sea from Ramparts near lighthouse - Galle Fort

Light House - Galle Fort

On the Rock at Lighhouse Hotel

On the way - 24km's before Galle

Who's fault is it???

2009-01-22T11:25:00.005+05:30

I was just wondering today, how amazing it is that we let certain circumstances change who we are, for better or for worse. Well I guess when it’s for the better it’s not a problem. But why do we sometimes change ourselves for the worse?

Well I guess people can change for worse in various ways. My thoughts right now are about those many people I’ve come across who says “I was a better person, but the world changed me”. So is it that the world really changed you”, I would like to ask these people “or were you waiting for an excuse to change your self and blame the world?”

Well, don’t get me wrong. I know we’re just human. When certain things happen, over and over and over again, we do turn out to be insensitive and heartless, only because we don’t want to feel that pain or disappointment or don’t want to hurt ourselves. Not all of us are strong enough to fight all that back, all the time.

But does this really give us an excuse to lose our values and morals and principals and everything that we believed in for the rest of our lives. If we do that, how can we live with it? Isn’t it more sad and painful than any other pain we can endure, ‘cos by doing so we’re not fooling anyone else, but ourselves?

Most of the time, I guess we don’t realize that we’re in such a situation. But there will come a moment that hits you and you will wonder, this is not who I am, how did I end up in this place in the first place? When that moment comes, should I just continue to fool myself turning a blind eye to my beliefs or should I make an effort to find myself?

So next time, before you tell someone that you’re being a jackass and playing and hurting all the men/women who care about you because your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you, in other words, "the world made you an asshole", maybe you should just think twice!!!

Lost...???

2009-01-17T21:48:00.010+05:30

She lay on the floor grasping for breath. Her feet were aching from walking around for days. The bruises all over the body weren’t making things any better. She was now feeling tired. She’s been walking around in this thick dark forest for days now. She wasn’t going to stop, not until she found the way out.

For how long has she been walking? She didn’t know. Hours? Days? Weeks? Years? She had lost count. She didn’t even know how she ended up there, she didn’t remember, and she didn’t care anymore. There was only one thing on her mind now, ‘to get out of that darkness’, the darkness she’s been trapped in, for so long.

She had forgotten how it felt to see a ray of light. She was yearning to see the light, so badly. To feel the warmth of the sun, what wouldn’t she give right now? But yet here she was, lying beneath the thorns in a dark forest. All that was left for her was the little bit of hope that she’s been clinging onto…

It was that little bit of hope that kept her going all this time. There were times she was afraid. There were times she just wanted to give up. To stop. To stop walking. But she didn’t, she kept going, sometimes she took slow steps, sometimes she took long big steps, sometimes she ran, ran so hard. But yet, she has not found a way out.

Well, the forest has not been unkind to her all this time, she thought. She survived so far. The big trees, the fruits and the streams have been a comforting zone. The big branches and the rocks had been her bed, if at all she slept. But yet was this the right place to be, she had not seen light in days.

Sometimes she screamed, she screamed so loud. But no one could hear her, she knew. The cuts and wounds in her were deep now, too deep, she knew. That’s why she had to get out. She sometimes wanted to scream so loud and cry so loud, but she couldn’t cry anymore, she knew. It scared her sometimes. To feel the warmth of tears falling down her face, she was ready to give anything.

She got up. It was no time to rest. She saw the stream she’s been following at a distance. She had been following it for days now, thinking it will lead her somewhere. It kept appearing and disappearing, she wasn’t going to give up. So she followed the stream, she ran, ran so hard… she wasn’t going to stop this time.

& then, she saw, she saw the light. The light she’s been longing for, for so long. She ran even harder towards the light. She wasn’t going to stop; she didn’t stop, not until the rays fell onto her face sharply, blinding her. Then she stopped.

… Caught in between, she turned around and looked back. She wondered what to do. She wondered… is this what she really wanted? Light or Darkness, she had to pick, she had to choose. Which way did she want to go? Which path was she going to take now? She didn’t have a clue…! She wondered. Where did she really belong???

Home-Alone on a Saturday...

2009-01-17T21:24:00.006+05:30

So it's a Saturday night & I'm home, all alone. This is probably in a long long time that I'm at home on a Saturday, not doing anything, not surrounded by people. In a way i guess it's a good thing, 'cos i get to spend some "me" time. :) but strangely, a few moments a go i felt so lonely.

& now I'm thinking, if this was just a normal day, i probably wouldn't have felt that way. :) Its an established fact that i always want to be around people, that i don't really believe in doing nothing and that relaxing my way is a bit different. but now it seems that there are specific days that i just HAVE TO do something, specially Friday's & Saturdays, if not it just wouldn't feel right. :)

OK so this is not even a topic which even deserves a blog post. But since I'm all alone, on a Saturday night, while all my friends are out doing something or the other, what better way to say this out loud and at least for a bit get my mind off this boredom & loneliness...????